“There is no one to date”

When I talk to singles, I hear the phrase “There is no one to date” a lot. But is that really true? There may be no one for you to date right now, but that just means you need to expand your social circle and find someone to date!

You may be saying “Oh yeah, easy for you to say. ‘Expanding my social circle and finding someone to date’ is extremely hard.” I agree. It is hard. But let’s look at a few things that could help.

Examining your thoughts about dating

Thoughts are very powerful. Your thoughts about dating will affect how you show up in the dating world and the actions you take. So your thoughts about dating can be causing your results in dating.

Be careful of what result you are creating with the thought “There is no one to date”.

When you think the thought “There is no one to date”, how do you feel? I feel depressed when I think that thought. So what do you usually do when are you depressed? I usually sit at home eating ice cream, watching shows, and thinking about how awful my life is. I usually don’t put myself out there, try to meet people, and keep trying when I feel depressed.

Let’s put this scenario into the Self Coaching Model to see how it looks:

Circumstance: I haven’t been on a date in one year.

Thought: ‘There is no one to date.”

Feeling: Depressed.

Actions: Sit around watching shows and eating. I don’t go out and I don’t try to meet people very often.

Result: There really is no one for me to date.

Obviously the thought “There is no one to date” isn’t giving you the results you want in life. And even if the thought is true, it might not be the most useful thought for your mind to be thinking about all the time. So what could you think instead of “There is no one to date?” Here are a few ideas:

• “There are lots of people out there for me to date. I just have to find them”
• “I am an awesome person. I will find someone who wants me”
• “A right person will come into my life at the right time. Until then, I will learn to enjoy life as it is!”
• “I wonder what interesting people I will meet today.”
• “No matter what happens, I am committed to keep trying to find someone wonderful to marry.”

Try on some of these thoughts and pick one that is most believable for you. If you don’t believe the thought, it won’t really work because when you think the thought, your mind will just say “No, its not.” and then that “No” thought will show up in the rest of your model.

Let’s look at one of your potential new models:

Circumstance: I haven’t been on a date in one year (notice the circumstance hasn’t changed).

Thought: “I am committed to finding someone to marry.”

Feeling: Determined.

Actions: You sign up for several online dating websites. You ask for referrals. You contact old friends. Even when you face rejection and disappointment, you keep taking action.

Result: You probably will find someone to marry.

Massive Action

Massive Action as defined by Brooke Castillo is taking action until you reach the desired result. What if you were committed to keep dating and keep trying until you found someone to marry? Maybe you would have to go on 100 dates. Maybe 200. But if you are really committed to your goal, you will not stop until you get there.

But dating online is tough!

Dating online is really tough. Every time you meet someone new, you get your hopes up…and then when it doesn’t work out, your brain might tell you “Okay, we tried. Let’s not do this again. It’s too difficult.” Your brain doesn’t want to do hard things. It will try to get you to jump ship at the first sign of difficulty in dating. But keep going.

Perhaps you could consider a dating coach. A dating coach is someone to be in your corner supporting you through the ups and downs of dating. They will be there to help you clear your head when it is spiraling in negativity. They can keep you focused and give you ideas for where to go next.

Who you think you want might not be who you would really want

A lot of times singles have “no one to date” because they have very specific standards for what kind of person they want to date. There isn’t really “no one to date” but there is “no one that I want to date”. But sometimes what you think you want isn’t really what you want. That’s why it is good to give many different people a chance. Get to know a LOT of people. Spend time getting to know them just as friends. And then open up your mind to the possibility of dating someone that you wouldn’t normally date.

Get out of your comfort zone

In order to meet new people, you need to do new things. You need to get out of your comfort zone. Start volunteering someplace new. Join a group about something you are interested in learning like cooking, hiking, exercising, chess, etc.

The more you grow and learn, the easier it will be to find someone you want to date.

Conclusion

I know dating is rough in this day and age. But if a happy marriage is really something you want, you can do it! Most people can find someone if they just keep trying.