Relationships with extended family members can be challenging when you have a child with autism. A lot of family members don’t really understand autism and what it entails and how to react. Sometimes with the best of intentions, family members say or do things that are downright offensive. Let’s explore how to deal with relatives like this.
- Teach with kindness and patience.
- Don’t hang your emotions on what they say and do.
- If possible, don’t totally cut them off. Instead expect change to come VERY slowly.
Teach with kindness and patience
When they say something mean, try not to react with harshness. If you do, it just gives them more reasons to not listen to you. So if you can, talk kindly and patiently to the family members. Teach by example how to interact with your child. Teach by example how to talk to your child. And teach by example how to deal with people that are hard to deal with (aka them).
When they criticize you, teach them by example how to handle criticism gracefully and not let it get to you. Show them the higher way – where you don’t react with anger and hate. Show them love. This can be hard when they criticize you about your parenting, especially if you are already wondering if you aren’t doing enough for your autistic child. But just remember that you are doing enough. You are trying your best and that is the best you can do!
These frustrating family members are teaching you how to love when love is really hard. They are teaching you how to love annoying people.
Don’t hang your emotions on what they say and do
Have you ever been to a family gathering, and one family member says something offensive about autism or your child or how you parent, and it ruins the whole evening for you? If so, then you are letting that person dictate how you will feel that day. You are hanging your emotions on them. Giving them the steering wheel to how you are going to feel.
To stop this, we need to get a few things straight. First, no matter what they say, you can decide how to think and feel about it. Their words are the circumstance, but you can decide what to think and feel. When you understand this, it gives you so much power (see the article on The Self Coaching Model for more about this.)
So whatever that family member said, we can choose how we want to think about it. For example, is that family member right about autism? Probably not. Do they know ANYTHING about autism and your situation? Nope. So why does their opinion even matter to you? Why should you care about anything they say?
You need to get to the point where you come to family gatherings and you say to yourself: “Ok, I’m pretty sure this person will make some snarky remarks about my autistic child. How do I want to react when they say things? How do I want to feel?” If you want to feel peaceful despite their unkind remarks, what thoughts could you think to produce a feeling of peace?
Maybe you could think:
- “This person doesn’t know anything about autism. Their opinion is not one that I want to pay attention to.”
- “I am learning how to endure criticism and negative remarks with patience and grace.”
- “Whew, I’m sure glad I don’t think how they do! It would be so awful to live inside their head.”
- “If they knew what it was really like to raise an autistic child, they wouldn’t have said that. But I will forgive their ignorance.”
Now everyone wants their family to validate them. Validation feels so good. But sometimes family members just can’t do that with autism. Autism may be so foreign and different for them that there is no way they can validate your reality. (And when people don’t understand, they often turn to judging. It’s a form of self protection so that they don’t have to embrace this new, different, uncomfortable reality). You need to learn how to validate yourself even when your family invalidates your experience with your child. Sometimes you can do this by talking monthly to a therapist or friend. Sometimes you can do this by taking your thoughts to God in prayer. Sometimes you can do this by writing down your thoughts at night and giving yourself verbal validation and praise for how hard life is and how you handled it that day. But however you do it, if your family members aren’t validating you and supporting you in this autism experience, you need to validate yourself.
Don’t cut them off
Now it’s very tempting to want to cut these relatives off. To never see them again. To not deal with their stupid ideas and ignorant judgement. But unless your family’s behavior is extremely destructive, I’d advise you not to cut them off. I think it’s best to still let them be a part of your life – while setting boundaries to keep yourself healthy.
I have learned that change in families comes VERY SLOWLY. But it does come. If you keep taking your child to those family gatherings and showing a good example of how to act around your child, these family members often come around. It’s very slow. But your disabled child is going to be there for the rest of their lives. Maybe the first decade is really hard and they are trying to deny the diagnosis. Maybe the second decade gets a tiny bit better. And maybe the third or fourth decade will be even better. The point is don’t despair if it seems like your family will never change. You never know what might happen in a few years.
Maybe your child is there to teach your family members a specific lesson? Maybe your child is there to teach them how to be more patient, more understanding, and more kind? If you don’t let the child ever see these frustrating family members, it will be hard for them to learn from your child.
But at the same time, you also need to take care of yourself. So only do as much interaction as you can handle. You decide where the limits will be. You set the boundaries.
Conclusion
In all of this, teach by example. Help them see how kind and patient you are becoming because of the challenges with your child. Don’t try to change your family, but don’t give up on them either. If you believe in God, you can pray for them. In all of this, take care of yourself. Don’t believe your family members if they say that the autism is your fault or the child would be so much better if you had done something different. You are doing the best you can and you deserve love and support. If you can’t get that love and support from family, learn to give it to yourself.
Southern Utah Autism Conference Presentation
I presented about this topic at the Southern Utah Autism Conference. Here is the powerpoint that I used. It will help you go further into this subject.
How to deal with extended family members who don’t “get” autism by Sage Allen
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