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the self-coaching model

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Dating / Marriage / Parenting / Relationships

How to solve most problems: The Self-Coaching Model

This post is a detailed summary of the Self Coaching Model by Brooke Castillo. I refer…

by Sage Allen, MS October 2, 2019

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Sage Allen, M.S.

Marriage and Relationships Coach

I love teaching people about how to have better relationships.

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Must-Read Articles

1

Lesson #1: Focus on what you can control

January 5, 2021

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How do I solve a problem in my marriage?

June 3, 2020

3

How to solve most problems: The Self-Coaching Model

October 2, 2019

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What do you think? Is it true that sex for most me

What do you think? Is it true that sex for most men is what conversation and talking is for most women?

Why is this?

Please give me your thoughts below!

#ldsmarriage #marriagecoaches #relationshipsuccess #staymarried #lastinglove #realrelationships #marriageproblems #lovelessons #marriedliferocks #lovejourney #marriedforlife #selflesslove #healthylove #strongmarriage #marriagecoach #lovecoaching #marriagecounseling #marriagerocks #happymarriedlife #relationshipissues #relationshipexpert #marriagetips #happymarriage #lovecoach #loveandmarriage #relationshipquote #lovelanguage #happilymarried #relationshipcoach #happycouple

What do you think? I'm definitely not advocating

What do you think?

I'm definitely not advocating for anyone to stay in an abusive marriage. But for those of us that have decent marriages, how long-suffering are you?

How long-suffering are you with your kids?

Usually people are a lot more tolerant and patient with their kids than they are with their spouses.

Why is that?

Is it because we expect our spouses to be mature adults?

Is it because we totally expect our kids to throw tantrums and struggle and not be able to control their emotions?

What if we viewed our spouses as little children inside that are still learning and growing and need to be loved and appreciated and encouraged?

What if your spouse NEEDS your long-suffering even more than your kids?

Something to think about.

I'd love to hear your honest thoughts about it below. Am I crazy or am I onto something? Could be a little of both. :)

#ldsmarriage #christianjourney #blissfulmarriage #staymarried #christianitylife #christiancounseling #godlycouples #marriageproblems #godlycouple #lovejourney #ldsliving #selflesslove #healthylove #strongmarriage #christianmoms #christianbloggers #christianmarriage #marriagecounseling #relationshiphelp #christianlifestyle #relationshipsbelike #happymarriage #everlastinglove #godlywoman #faithinspired #christianinspiration #christianposts #christianwoman #christianmom #christianliving

Notice that this doesn't mean "Your spouse will ac

Notice that this doesn't mean "Your spouse will accept your advice if you understand them." It means "Your spouse might accept your advice if THEY feel that you understand them."

Big difference.

You may think that you understand your spouse and what they need. But if THEY don't think you do, then it won't matter. (Same applies to teenagers - just saying.)

So how do you help your spouse feel that you understand them?

Listening without judgement is a good way to start.

You listen without giving your own opinion. You just try to understand THEM.

You ask questions.

You don't get offended (even if the subject matter has something to do with you).

You just try to understand them.

What is it like to be them? How do they feel? How do they think?

It's okay for them to think and feel EXACTLY how they do.

ALLOW them to feel exactly how they want to feel.

This will help your marriage.

Follow @sage_relationship_advice for more marriage + relationship tips, ideas, and inspiration!

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Ways to release the stress of caring for a special

Ways to release the stress of caring for a special needs child (or any other huge stressor):

1. exercising (this is the number one way to release built up stress according to research)
2. deep breathing/meditation
3. laughing
4. socializing with people who uplift you
5. creating something
6. writing out all of your thoughts about the situation and feeling/processing the emotions that come along with that.

**Tag someone who would love this!

Follow for more marriage + relationship tips and ideas!

How can jealousy help YOU figure out your unmet ne

How can jealousy help YOU figure out your unmet needs and desires and meet them? Here are some examples:

1. Sometimes I get REALLY jealous of another mom (who has all neurotypcial kids) that is able to go on trips all the time with her husband and without her children.

Maybe this is indicating that I need to find a way to have little breaks from my special needs child. It doesn't have to be going to Hawaii like she did, but I could meet the need in other smaller ways.

2. Recently I got really jealous of family members with all neurotypical kids who are able to sit down and have a fancy Easter dinner. I see pictures of all the kids sitting nicely at the table and I feel the jealousy creeping in. My nonverbal autistic son often makes dinnertime hard for us.

What is the underlying desire here? The desire is often to have a son that talks and is "normal", but I can't do anything to change him. So how else could I meet this need?

I talked to my husband and he suggested that the underlying need was to feel like a good mom. BINGO. That was it. I don't really need my children to sit politely at the table, but I do need to feel like I am a good mom.

And that is a need that I can meet in different ways. I can do little things to feel like a good mom to a special needs child. Feelings come from my thoughts. So I can choose to think about myself as a mom in a better way.

See how feeling jealous can be a good thing? It can be a window into your unmet needs and desires.

Double tap if you love today's tip!

And DM me with questions if you can't figure out the unmet need of YOUR jealousy or how to meet that need. FREE HELP!

#marriagecoaches #successfulmarriage #specialneedsjourney #christianmomlife #realrelationshipgoals #specialneedsfamilies #realrelationships #godlyrelationship #specialneedsmoms #autismparenting #specialneedsparent #specialneedsparents #marriagetip #strongmarriage #healthymarriage #marriagecoach #relationshipsmatter #christianmarriage #specialneedsfamily #specialneedsparenting #marriagetips #happymarriage #marriageworks #autismparents #godlymarriage #marriedcouple #marriageadvice #specialneedsmom #healthyrelationships #specialneeds

A lot of research has shown that the ability to fo

A lot of research has shown that the ability to forgive your partner is an essential part of a healthy marriage.

Forgiving your partner allows you to move on. It allows you to keep focusing on the good parts of your relationship.

Forgiveness allows you to keep working towards becoming better instead of fixating over all that is wrong with your relationship.

So how good are you at forgiving your partner?

Do you really forgive them or do you just say that you forgive them?

One study found a big difference between “decisional forgiveness” (deciding to forgive your partner) and “emotional forgiveness” (actually forgiving them and relieving yourself of all the negative emotion tied to the offense).

People who are able to emotionally forgive were found to have much better relationships two years later.

So, are you able to really forgive your partner?

If not, what is holding you back?

I won’t lie, this can be a sensitive subject. Feel free to talk to a therapist if you are having trouble forgiving your spouse.

But here are a few things I like to remember when I am trying to forgive:

1. Your spouse isn’t supposed to be perfect. It is actually impossible for them to do everything right in your marriage. So EXPECT them to fail. Expect them to make mistakes over and over again. When you forgive them, you aren’t saying “Don’t ever mess up again.” Instead, you are saying “we are both human and I know that we will mess up again. That is why we both need forgiveness.” Forgiveness is a gift of love.

2. Your spouse’s inability to be nice to you all the time has nothing to do with you or your worth. You are 100% worthy of love. So give yourself that love and appreciation! You don't need to wait for your spouse to see your infinite worth. You can think positively about yourself right now and feel the effects of those loving, happy thoughts within yourself.

3. Remember all the things you do wrong. If you are fully aware of how much you fail every day, it will be easier to forgive all the people around you.

Good luck with forgiveness this week!

#sagerelationshipadvice #mentalhealth #specialneedsparents #autismmoms #couplestherapy #selflove #selfcare

What if this is true? What if your spouse is exa

What if this is true?

What if your spouse is exactly what you need to grow?

Usually I think about it in the opposite way. "I wish he was better at this so that I wouldn't get so angry."

But what if that thing about your spouse is exactly what will help you overcome your anger issues?

Something to think about.

Changing a thought can change outcomes.

For example:

Thought: "I wish my spouse wasn't like this."
Feeling: angry
Action: Say mean things to them, pout, withdraw from them emotionally
Result: I'm not happy. I wish I wasn't like this either.

Or here is the new thought:

Thought: "Maybe my spouse is exactly what I need to grow."
Feeling: Confident
Actions: Appreciate my spouse, try to improve my weaknesses, think about how I can change instead of how they should change, do things in a happy mood
Result: I am able to be happy and grow.

#sagerelationshipadvice #couplestherapy #relationships #couples #therapy #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #love #marriage #couplesgoals #marriagecounseling #couplescounseling #relationshipadvice #relationshipcoach #relationship #marriagegoals #couplestyle #couplesofinstagram #communication #dating #coupleshoot #healthyrelationships #couplestravel #relationshiptips #coupleslove #couplegoals #relationshiphelp #therapist #couplesphotography #coupleshot

Autism Awareness Month: This past weekend I watc

Autism Awareness Month:

This past weekend I watched #generalconference for the #churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints

It was really good.

REALLY good.

So excited to start studying the uplifting messages on churchofjesuschrist.org

A faith and trust in God is one of the main things that gets me through the struggles of raising an autistic son.

The first two years after Luke was diagnosed were probably the hardest.

I was furious with God.

I couldn’t believe that he wanted me to live like this for the rest of my life!

And I was livid that Luke wasn’t progressing verbally like other kids with the massive amount of therapies I was doing each week.

Now I am starting to understand that Luke’s autism is stretching me in ways that nothing else could.

That stretching is VERY painful.

But in the stretching, I am becoming a better person.

A little more patient, more kind, and more trusting and submissive to the will of God.

Could such change happen in any other way?

Maybe God knows what he is doing.

#disabilityawareness #specialeducation #autismjourney #mentalhealth #autismworld #sensoryprocessingdisorder #autismmoms #anxiety #autismwarrior #autismawarenessday #autismproud #aba #mentalhealthawareness #specialneedsmom #autisme #autisticadults #autismmemes #parenting #autismkids #neurodivergent #autismstars #autismstrong #specialneedsfamily #speechtherapy #abatherapy #autistickids #occupationaltherapy

It’s Autism Awareness month! Every child with au

It’s Autism Awareness month! Every child with autism is different. My son, Luke, really likes to climb and swim. He hardly ever falls so I don’t worry too much about him. But sometimes it can be a little scary for people that don’t know him.

I remember taking him to a park and he got bored after 30 minutes. So he went over to my SUV and climbed on top of the hood. I wasn’t worried because I knew he was very careful and wouldn’t fall off (and I wanted to keep talking to my friend). It is an old car so I didn’t worry about him damaging the hood either. But an older lady walked by and started telling him to come down. One of the hardest things about autism is that he looks totally normal. I honestly wish he had Down’s Syndrome just so that he would look different. Anyway, I don’t blame the lady for telling him to get down. It was nice of her to care about him. I just wish I didn’t have a child with autism that pushes every boundary known to human society. His autism puts a lot of stress on my husband and I and our marriage.

#autism #autismawareness #autismacceptance #adhd #asd #specialneeds #autistic #autismmom #autismfamily #autismo #memes #autismlove #autismlife #autismsupport #disability #autismspectrum #autismspeaks #autismspectrumdisorder #mentalhealth #actuallyautistic #anxiety #autismparents #neurodiversity #inclusion

This is my new motto. I am trying to accept all

This is my new motto.

I am trying to accept all parts of my life and not resist reality. And I'm trying to be grateful for what I have instead of thinking of what I wish I had.

Particularly, I am trying to accept that my autistic nonverbal child is exactly where he needs to be in his progress.

We will still keep trying to learn to talk and use his AAC ipad and eat new foods and get potty trained, but I'm not going to worry unnecessarily over these things.

I'm not going to make myself miserable with my worries.

Instead, I'm going to focus on what I am grateful for.

Warm spring days.

Cute messy kids.

Opportunities to talk with friends.

Train your brain to love your life, accept everything in it (the good and the ugly) and be filled with gratitude.

#sagerelationshipadvice #relationships #communication #relationshiprecovery #getbacktoeachother #breakup #breakupsfollow #relationshipadvice #relationshipproblems #iloveyouquotes #heartquotes #relationshipgoal #relationshipquote #relationshipstatus #relationshiprules #relationship101 #relationshiptips #relationshipposts #relationshipblogger #relationshipissues #relationshiphelp #goals #gaslighting #overcomingobstacles #lifehacks #support #relationshipcoach #relationshipcoaching #sexcoach #sexcoaching

I recently finished a summary of this book! If you

I recently finished a summary of this book! If you have been wanting to read it but don't have the time, go to sagerelationshipadvice.com for a detailed summary.

#sagerelationshipadvice #sageadvice #lastinglove #mymarriage #mymarriagematters #conflictresolution #marriageexpert #becomeyourownmarriageexpert #couplestherapy #ldscouples #healmymarriage #marriage101

What other thoughts are useful in helping your mar

What other thoughts are useful in helping your marriage?

#sagerelationshipadvice #autismmarriage #marriagewithspecialneedskids #marriagewithspecialneeds #challengingmarriage #marriagewithproblems #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapy #ldscouples #christiancouples #thoughts

When your spouse says something that makes you mad

When your spouse says something that makes you mad, ask yourself: what am I making this mean? What is my thought about what they said?

Your thought about what they said is what is creating your emotions.

For example, maybe they said: "You are really bad at disciplining the kids." (or some other criticism).

What was your thought in that moment about what they said?

Maybe it was "They don't know what they are talking about." Or "How dare they say I am bad with the kids when they are even worse." Or "They are always criticizing me." These are some common thoughts that would produce feelings of outrage or contempt or defensiveness.

But what might you think instead that would be more useful?

Maybe your thought could be: "I wonder why they think this?" This might give you a feeling of curiosity and then compel you to ask questions and understand them more.

Or you could think: "Hmm, maybe they are right and I should work on discipline." Then you could ask them for their suggestions.

There are a thousand ways to think about what they said and each one will produce a different feeling and action. One thought for one person might produce different feelings than for another person.

Being aware of all of this and then choosing how you want to think and react is the key to an intentional life and happy marriage.

#sagerelationshipadvice #criticism #marriagefights #thoughts #marriage101 #marriageexpert #marrriageadviceforwomen #marriageadviceformen #relationshipcoach #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapist #ldscouples #christiancouples #churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints #churchofjesuschrist #specialneeds #autismmarriage #specialneedsmarriage #agency #reactivity #emotionalresilience #emotionalcontrol

How was your Valentine's day? I hope it was great,

How was your Valentine's day? I hope it was great, but if not - Don't worry! Things do get better as you keep working on it. I promise.

#sagerelationshipadvice #hopeforthefuture #hopeforlove #hopeforrelationships #valentines #valentinesday #fixyourmarriage #fixyourmarriageissues #fixyourmarriagefirst #love #couplestherapy #marriagetherapy #ldsmarriage #marriagecounseling #marriage101

In a world that tells you a good marriage is about

In a world that tells you a good marriage is about being hot and sexy, I'm going to tell you that a good marriage is about being patient and loving.

How patient are you? What can you do to increase your patience?

Here are some ideas:
1. welcome opportunities to develop your patience (be thankful for your spouse's or kids' challenges)
2. think longterm instead of shortterm.
3. get enough sleep and relaxation (that really helps your patience).
4. meditate or pray for patience

What else helps you increase your levels of patience?

#sagerelationshipadvice #specialneedsfamily #specialneedsmarriage #specialneedsmarriages #autismmarriage #autismmarriages #marriagewithautism #marriagewithspecialneedskids #marriagewithspecialneeds #churchofjesuschrist #churchofjesuschristmom #christianmarriage #faithmarriagefamily #patience #patiencequotes #patienceisavirtue

And being truly seen can be super scary. What if t

And being truly seen can be super scary. What if the other person doesn't like the true you?

I like to remember that other people's opinions of me have almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with them - how they see the world and their background and previous experiences.

But if being vulnerable is the key to connection, what does this mean for your marriage? What are you being inspired to do more or less of right now?

Being vulnerable is a great way to lessen the intensity of some marriage fights. If you tell the other person how you truly feel - your fears and your insecurities, it can often soften the discussion. The discussion goes away from blame and accusations and more towards our innermost thoughts and worries.

#sagerelationshipadvice #connection #shame #blame #vulnerabilityisstrength #vulnerability #vulnerabilityisthenewstrength #vulnerabilityispower #vulnerabilityisbeautiful #vulnerabilityissexy #marriageadvice #ldscouples #mormonmarriage #christiancouples #christianmarriage

#sagerelationshipadvice #thoughts #marriageadvice

#sagerelationshipadvice #thoughts #marriageadvice #ldscouples #relationshiphelp #workonyourmarriage #workonyourself #specialneedsparenting #autismparenting #autismmoms #parentingtips #relationshiptips #ldsmarriage #christianmarriage #godlovesyou

I think I'm most afraid of feeling regret. How abo

I think I'm most afraid of feeling regret. How about you?

#sagerelationshipadvice #feelingsareok #feelingsareokayandreal😍 #progressnotperfection #progress #marriageadvice #stuck #feelingstuck #marriageproblems #howtomarriage #marriage101 #myspouserocks #ldscouples #ldsmarriage #mormonmarriage #christianmarriage #christiancouples #lovingmarriagelife

What do you think? Where did you learn this? How d

What do you think? Where did you learn this? How do you teach this?

How is this important in your marriage?

#sagerelationshipadvice #eq #emotionalintelligence #handlingemotions #handlingemotionsinkids #parenting #marriage #marriagefightsbelike #negativeemotionsareok #marriagecoach #marriageexpert #marriageclass #ldscouples #ldsmarriage #christianmarriage #lastinglover

What do you think? #sagerelationshipadvice #hope

What do you think?

#sagerelationshipadvice #hope #hopeinmarriage #optimism #marriage101 #relationships101 #marriageadvice #marriage #relationships #marriageexpert #ldscouples #thrivingmarriage #loveforever #healthymarriage #healthymarriagetips #happymarriage

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