Reflections on quitting a PhD program.

This year marks about five years since I quit a PhD program in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Today as I was driving my son to his autism school, I was thinking about the decision I made to quit the program and what has come of it. The four other guys that were in my cohort have now all finished their PhDs and are starting to work as Professors for various universities across the country. Am I proud of them? Yes, definitely. With only five of us in our Master’s Program cohort, we all became very close and I truly love each of them. Do I wish that I was one of them and had finished my PhD? Sometimes.

Reasons for quitting the PhD program

But I think I like my reasons for quitting more than my reasons for continuing in that PhD program. My reasons for quitting were:

1. I was pregnant with my son Luke. I didn’t want to put him in daycare. I didn’t have any family around that could have watched him for me. I also wanted to have a large family (like seven children, haha). I was 26 when I started the PhD program so I knew that if I waited until I was done to start my family, I would be about 30 years old and that would limit the number of children I could have.
2. My husband hated his current job. He wanted to move to St George and start working with his brother. There was no PhD program in St George and my current school didn’t offer ANY online classes at that time.

I wanted my husband to be able to progress personally and professionally. He was totally willing to be a stay at home dad if I wanted to continue the PhD program. But I didn’t really want him to! I wanted him to feel the thrill of learning and becoming an expert in some field. I was already quite an expert in my field and many people come to me for advice. I wanted him to feel that too. As I look back on this desire, I think maybe I was a little mistaken. 🙂 My husband Ian doesn’t really care about fame or accolades. He isn’t as prideful as I am. 🙂 And he really would be quite an amazing stay at home dad. He loves playing with our kids. Now if he did it full-time…who knows how he would feel.

But on the other hand, he really has done amazingly well in his career since we moved. He is learning so much and truly becoming an expert. So I don’t know…would I have enjoyed finishing my PhD and becoming a professor? I don’t think so.

• 3. I didn’t actually want to be a professor. The PhD program that I was in was for becoming a professor. And I didn’t actually think the professor job would be that great. So much writing and publishing papers…and then all the grading! I think I would like the teaching, but the grading was definitely not my favorite. Or the INTENSE pressure to publish your research. “Publish or Perish” is what they say in that field and they mean it! Instead of being a professor, I wanted to be a marriage educator. I just wanted to teach people about healthy relationships all day long. But sadly, there aren’t many full-time positions for this where you can provide for your family (or at least that is what I thought at the time). It’s more of a side gig – at least in the beginning.

And so these were my three big reasons for quitting the PhD program. I wanted to have a large family, I wanted Ian to have a fulfilling career, and I didn’t actually want the typical job that comes with my PhD. So after one year of PhD coursework and research, I said goodbye.

Reasons for staying with the PhD program

Now, my only reason for wanting to do the PhD program was because I wanted the title. The coveted “Dr. Sage” and PhD status. Yes, sometimes I do think that I would feel even better about myself if I was “Dr. Sage” or “Dr. Allen”. Perhaps people would respect me more. But perhaps not. I know a few “Dr”s that are total idiots. Do I still want the title? Yes. But is it worth four years of intense work right now? No. So we will see what the future brings.

Regrets?

So do I regret not finishing the PhD program? No. Sometimes I wish I did have the Phd title, but not enough to actually go do it right now. One funny thing is that one of my reasons for quitting the PhD program was so that I could have a big family and be a great mom. My autistic son Luke seems to have thrown a wrench in those plans. I’m not sure how many more children I will be able to have (if any). It all depends on his development in the next few years. I thought that staying home with him would be good for him. I hope it was for the first few years of his life. But ironically, his autism necessitated me putting him in a school full-time at the age of three. He goes to an ABA school from 9-3 everyday just so that I can function. So it is funny what actually happens to our plans in life. Here’s to having one successful husband, 2 children, one blog where I do marriage education, one Master’s Degree, and no PhD!