How to deal with extended family members you don’t like

People get to pick their friends, but they don’t pick their family. At least, you don’t get to pick your mother or father or siblings or extended family in that regard. You do get to pick your spouse usually, but you don’t get to pick your children. So because we don’t actively choose our family, there can be a lot of personality clashes and contention within families. How do you deal with a family member that you don’t particularly like?

Here are 3 suggestions:

1. Set some boundaries to protect yourself.
2. Try to look for the good in that person.
3. Ignore the bad things about that person (unless the bad things are extremely serious or destructive).

Set some boundaries to protect yourself

What does it mean to set a boundary? It means that you decide what you will do to keep yourself safe and healthy. A boundary is not deciding what the other person can or cannot do (because we cannot control other people). A boundary is deciding what you will do when another person does something.

So for example, let’s say you have a brother in law who loves to fight with you about politics. At every family gathering, he tries to start a conversation with you because he knows you disagree with him. If you like discussing politics, then great! No need to have a boundary. If you don’t like to talk with his brother in law, then what sort of boundary could we implement? You could decide to not go to family gatherings where he is present. You could decide to say “Sorry, I don’t want to talk with you about politics” and then walk away.

This doesn’t mean that you have a conversation with that person and tell them “You are not allowed to do or say this around me…” Instead setting a successful boundary means deciding what YOU will do about that person and what YOU will allow and not allow in your life.

Again, you have absolutely no control over that other person. So your boundary can’t be “You aren’t allowed to criticize me.” You can only control yourself. But the boundary could be “when you criticize me, I will leave the room, leave the party, or hang up the phone.” The boundary is all about what YOU will do, not what THEY will do.

I’ve found recently that some good boundaries for me are limiting contact with that person. I don’t want to cut people out of my life completely, but I don’t want to spend a large amount of time around people I don’t get along with. So I set some boundaries like this: I can choose whether to answer my phone when they call. I don’t need to feel obligated to answer my phone. I can choose whether to join family zoom calls. I don’t need to join them if I don’t want to. And I can choose whether to go on family vacations. I don’t have to go if I don’t want to.

These boundaries may seem fairly obvious, but it’s incredible how much manipulation can go on inside families. Family members, often out of good intentions, try to make other family members do things they don’t want to do. So reminding myself of my agency is always vital when I am with certain family members. In sum, you are in charge of keeping you safe and healthy. So take good care of you!

Try to look for the good in that person

There is good and bad in all of us. If you don’t like this family member, odds are it is hard to see the good about them right now. Do you know why that is? It’s because your brain works like a giant computer. It only looks for what you tell it to look for. Your thoughts direct its searching. So if you are thinking “oh they are so annoying”, then your brain will look for all the ways that person is annoying and will not bring to your attention all the ways that they are actually a really good person.

The good news about this is that you can try to reprogram the computer (your brain). You can try to tell it to look for the good in that person. It’s hard work to reprogram the way you have thought about someone for years, but the benefits are plentiful. Looking for the good in another person can help your brain to start looking for the good in yourself as well. You will start being nicer to yourself and more merciful and kind when you make mistakes.

One way to reprogram your brain is to write down 5 things you like about the other person every night. It’s tough. But stretch yourself to find those good things. If you do that several weeks in a row, you might be surprised by how your thoughts about that person starts to change.

Ignore the bad things about that person

When you get together for family gatherings, it can be tempting to correct and criticize that family member that you don’t like. You want to show them that they are wrong. You want to expand their way of thinking and open their mind up to new possibilities. But that approach while you are still in a negative mindset towards them usually doesn’t work very well.

If you don’t like them and how they think, it’s better to just stay quiet. Ignore the annoying things they say and do. Because the only way you will ever influence them or change their mind about something is if they know you love and accept them. It needs to come out of love, not hate.

So don’t criticize. Don’t correct, unless it is truly necessary. Just uplift that person. See the good in them. Once you are in a place where you can truly love them, then maybe that love will eventually nudge them in the right direction.

Conclusion

Maybe that one person in your family is the key to your growth into your next best self. Maybe they will teach you patience and love like no one else could. Maybe they will teach you how to really harness and control your thoughts and help you practice true self mastery. When you think about it that way, that annoying person suddenly becomes a gift. A challenge. Your next big transformation. Good luck!