Jealousy is a hard thing to overcome…at least for me. Today, we will talk about two types of jealousy: overall jealousy and jealousy in romantic relationships.

The Feeling of Jealousy

The feeling of jealousy arises whenever we wish we had what someone else has (or what we think they have).

What does jealousy feel like in the body? For me, it feels like tightness in my stomach, an uncomfortable pit in my chest. Jealousy can feel different for different people though. For me, jealousy often turns into shame as I wonder WHY they have what I want and I don’t have it. It can also turn into sorrow – sorrow that I don’t have the thing that I so desperately desire – thus, jealousy is not a straightforward emotion.

Jealousy doesn’t feel good. I would rather not feel it at all. But it is nice to know that it is just an emotion and that it will pass. I like to take a moment, feel it in my body, name it (saying “this is jealousy”), and relax into it taking deep breaths. Jealousy won’t kill you. It’s just an emotion. But if you are like me, then you still want to find some ways to not feel it as often.

Overcoming Jealousy

Since jealousy is an emotion, then we know it originates in our thoughts. Every time I feel jealous, I like to take a good look at what I am thinking. Right now, I usually feel jealous of families that have all “normal” kids or no kids with disabilities. But I’m also jealous of any family that has high functioning autistic kids or kids that can speak and communicate their desires instead of a low functioning autistic child like mine.

So a lot of my thoughts look like this:

• “Wow, life must be so much easier for them.”
• “I wish my life was as good as theirs.”
• “What I wouldn’t give for a child that could talk to me and actually entertain himself with legos.”
• “My life would be SOOO much easier if I were them.”
• “Those people have NO freaking idea how easy their life is compared to mine. I’m sure they think their problems are big, but they aren’t.”
• “Wow, I wonder what it is like to be really rich like them.”
• “I wish I had a huge successful business like that person.”

After I write down my thoughts, I take a good look at them and try to poke holes in them a little bit. My brain really thinks that my life would be a lot easier if I didn’t have a nonspeaking autistic child, but would it? Everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but is it? If I didn’t have a profoundly autistic child, would I have some other big challenge that seems just as daunting?!? Probably.

So I try to poke holes in my current thoughts to loosen my mind’s hold on them. I want to show my mind that what I am currently thinking isn’t necessarily true. For the thought “I wish my life was as good as theirs”, I can question whether their life really is as good as it seems. A lot of people have hidden problems that are not readily visible. It may look like their life is much better than mine, but is it really?

Alternative Thoughts

Once I have tried to poke some holes in my current thoughts, I try to think of alternative thoughts I could think that wouldn’t cause so much jealousy. Thoughts like:

• “Life may look easy for them, but it probably isn’t. They probably have problems that I can’t see right now.”
• “I may wish that my life was as good as theirs, but an easy life doesn’t make a strong person. I have these trials because I am going to become incredibly strong.“
• “Yes, I really wish I had a child that could talk and play with legos, but that is not my lot in life. Resisting that just brings more pain. How can I try to accept this life today? How can I try to accept my child today?
• “Yes, maybe my life would be easier if I were them, but I like a challenge.”
• “I’m sure everyone thinks their problems are big. If I didn’t have a disabled child, I would probably think normal children were hard too because I wouldn’t have all the experience I have gained with this disabled child.”
• “Having a lot of money might be fun. But it might also be hell.”
• “Do I really want a successful business like that other person? Do I really want the reality of what that would entail? The late nights, not having time for my kids, the stress and the pressure? Maybe not.”
• The only thing I have ultimate control over is my attitude. I choose to be happy today.”

Thoughts are very powerful. How you think about things influences how you feel and what you do. So it’s very important to be aware of what you are thinking. And if your current thoughts aren’t getting you the results you want, try to change those thoughts!

Jealousy in Romantic Relationships

Jealousy in romantic relationships deserves a little special attention. It is basically the same as overall jealousy, but in this case you are jealous that someone else is receiving your lover’s attention. You wish that you had ALL of your partner’s attention and desire.

Jealousy in romantic relationships is often fueled by fear – fear that your partner will leave you, fear that you are not desirable enough, fear that your partner will not be loyal to you, etc.

In this situation, I would again list all of your thoughts that are producing jealousy. Then I would see if you can poke some holes in your thoughts or tweak them to be a little more positive. Subtle changes can create big results.

Here are some examples of thoughts producing jealousy in romantic relationships.

• “I bet he/she likes them more than they like me.”
• “I wish I had hair like that person.”
• “There must be something wrong with me.”
• “Why am I so ugly?”
• “I wonder what they are saying to that other person?”

The main thing to remember with romantic jealousy is that you need to build yourself up instead of tear yourself down.

• “If they do like them more than they like me, that’s okay. I’ll find someone else that is even better.”
• “I wonder if there are other people in this room that wish they had my hair?”
• “Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone has some things wrong with them. But embracing those bad parts of ourselves is where true confidence arises.”
• “Ugly is all about perspective. In the 1700s, people thought that a fat person was very beautiful. In the 1920s, flat breasts were the ideal. Today there is a current physical ideal but that is a fabricated social construct. Is there really such a thing as ‘ugly’?”
• “What they are saying to that other person is none of my business.”

Obviously it can take awhile to find a new, better thought that fits you and gives you the results you want in your life. But keep trying. Keep looking for new thoughts and new ways to think that make you feel better.

Conclusion

Jealousy can be a tricky thing to overcome but it can also teach you a ton about yourself! It can show you what your greatest fears and weaknesses are. And once you overcome your greatest fears and weaknesses, there is nothing you can’t do!