How do I find someone to date? Talk with everyone.

How do I find someone to date and marry? I hear that question a lot. Let’s look into it.

Let’s start by going back to our statistical example from the soulmates article. Let’s say there are 1,000 eligible people in your area. Depending on how you get along with the average person and how picky you are, let’s say only 25 of these 1,000 would be a good fit for you. That is 2.5% of the eligible population. If you are looking for 2.5% of the population, I think you can still feel pretty special. You don’t want to marry just ANYONE. You want to marry a right one for you! There are a few right ones for you. You just have to find one of them! Now, how are you going to find this 2.5% of the eligible population?

Well, you have a few possibilities:

1. You meet and find them yourself.

2. A friend or acquaintance can recommend one of the 2.5% to you.

3. You can use a dating website or app that filters out important qualities (1).

Basically whichever way you choose, you need to start TALKING to people and MEETING as many people as you can. Essentially, you need to expand your social circle.

So that is why it is so important to TALK WITH EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter if the person you are talking to isn’t a good fit for you, they might be the friend that leads you to someone who is a good fit! If you talk with everyone and try to expand your group of friends, then you will meet more and more of the 2.5% that would be good for you. And if you take the time and energy to really get to know people, you will learn a lot and get better at developing relationships! Plus, you will have a lot of friends. Win-win.

So what does this look like practically?

For every person, the advice “talk with everyone” will look differently, but I will pose some suggestions. First, practice talking to people who don’t intimidate you. Perhaps you could start with talking to the elderly. The elderly usually love to talk and would enjoy your attention. Practice on people who are not threatening! And remember, the more you practice talking to other people, the easier it will become! Besides, you never know when that elderly person might be the key to getting to know one of the 2.5%!

Now we need to talk about two extremes: the VERY talkative people and not so talkative people.

VERY Talkative People

For those that talk A LOT, you need to learn to listen. You need to learn to let the other person talk. Don’t interrupt. These are the people that make 3-4 comments during a lecture/lesson. These people usually don’t realize they are in this category. But if you are wondering if this is you, perhaps you could ask a honest friend to tell you if you are in this group or not. 🙂

Not so Talkative People

The second group is those that are REALLY good listeners but never open up. You need to realize that relationships take reciprocity. You need to tell people about yourself. You need to open up! It can be scary, but take the chance! (Note: in this section, I am not talking about those that are extremely shy – we will discuss that next). Fun fact – researchers have found that oxytocin increases your willingness to share your emotions with other people (2). So perhaps you could think about increasing your oxytocin levels.

Shyness

Now what if you are painfully shy?

Making new acquaintances can be very hard for someone who is shy. Talking to new people may seem like the last thing in the world you want to do! If the advice “talk with everyone” is freaking you out, then make a small, reasonable goal for yourself. For example, it could be that you try to meet one new person every month. Or you could just focus on talking with the people you already know in an effort to keep up those friendships. Or perhaps your goal is just to actually go to a social event once a month. Whatever level you are at, take this principle and adjust it for you.

However, listen to this. Research shows that people who are shy and withdrawn tend to have worse relationship satisfaction than more outgoing people (Baker & McNulty, 2010) (3). Now, researchers don’t quite know the reason for this. It could be because the shy people didn’t have many dating options (because they don’t like to talk to people). Or it could be that people who are shy may be worse at communicating their thoughts and feelings, even in close relationships. The good thing about this last reason is that learning how to communicate well is definitely something you can develop! (check out the different classes on relationships). You don’t need to let shyness keep you from a great relationship.

Summary

So, to sum it up, you need to talk with people. Focus both on getting to know new people and on deepening your friendships with people you already know. Don’t focus solely on talking with the people you are interested in. Talk with everyone! It will enrich your life.

Exercise Questions:

1. How often do you talk to new people? Are you making new friends on a regular basis?

2. When you do meet new people, what do you talk about?

References:

(1) Sawyer, A. N., Smith, E. R., & Benotsch, E. G. (2017). Dating application use and sexual risk behavior among young adults. Sexuality Research & Social Policy: A Journal Of The NSRC, doi:10.1007/s13178-017-0297-6

(2) Lane, A., Luminet, O., Rimé, B., Gross, J. J., de Timary, P., & Mikolajczak, M. (2013). Oxytocin increases willingness to socially share one’s emotions. International Journal Of Psychology, 48(4), 676-681. doi:10.1080/00207594.2012.677540

(3) Baker, L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Shyness and Marriage: Does Shyness Shape Even Established Relationships? Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(5), 665–676. http://doi.org/10.1177/0146167210367489