As you start to get to know people and perhaps start zoning in on a few specific people, you want to make sure to spend a LOT OF TIME getting to know them. Why? Because the more you get to know them, the less unpleasant surprises will await you in marriage.
I have heard people say: “When I married this person, they became an ENTIRELY different person.” Really? Everything about them suddenly changed? Or did you just not get to know them well enough? While we are dating, everyone puts up their best front. They try to be the NICEST, KINDEST, most WONDERFUL person ever! But no one can pretend forever and so as you take lots of time with them in different situations, the pretend “them” will break down and you will see them as they really are: just a normal person with strengths and weaknesses…just like you.
The RAM Model
Dr. John Van Epp, author of “How to avoid marrying a Jerk or Jerkette” has come up with a way to keep yourself safe in dating (1). It’s called the RAM model and it looks like this:
A healthy relationship looks like this above. If any of the knobs on the right are higher than the knobs on the left, then it is unhealthy and NOT SAFE. Essentially, you are at risk for falling for a jerk (or jerkette).
Basically, don’t trust a person more than you know them. Don’t rely on them any more than you know or trust them. And don’t commit to a person any more than you know them and trust them and rely on them. And lastly, DON’T touch them any more than you are committed to them, rely on them, trust them, and know them. This is the key to not breaking your heart.
This philosophy goes against some of the current trends where people touch and kiss and have sex…and then get to know each other afterwards. However, touching people more than you know them can often lead to painful breakups and bad consequences. It’s best to play it safe.
How long is long enough?
Some people will say: “But we’ve spent everyday together for the last two weeks. I feel like I KNOW them.” Does spending a lot of time with the person make up for longevity? I would say No. It is good to get to know a person in different seasons of life. How are they in the winter? Do they have seasonal depression? How are they during football or basketball season? What about during the summer? Or during a really stressful week at school or work? How are they when they get really mad? How are they when they feel vulnerable or scared? How are they when they feel attacked?
You need to get to know this potential person when they are sad. And mad. And bored. And frustrated. Especially when they are frustrated with you. How do they act when they are mad at you? That is your job to find out.
Living Together as a Trial Run
Some people will say to me: “But wait, Sage, why don’t I just live with the person so that I can see their true self? Why not live together? This is a good question. The research on living together shows that those who cohabit (especially with no commitment towards marriage) have lower relationship satisfaction, sexual quality, and relationship communication than those who do not live together before marriage (2)(3). But we will discuss this (especially the nuances in this research) in more depth in an upcoming article.
For now, just remember that if you are living together in order to figure out whether you want to marry them, then your RAM model probably doesn’t look healthy with all the knobs on the right lower than the left. If you are living together as a trial run, you are probably having sex and touching them more than you really know or trust them. And that is not healthy. Your physical touch is way higher than the other levers like commitment or knowledge. So that is unsafe. You are at a risk for falling in love with a jerk (or jerkette).
Conclusion
So the fifth key to Smart Dating is to get to know your partner REALLY well. Try to see them in all aspects of life. This means in all seasons, all emotional states, and all areas of their work, family, and friends. In order to be safe, don’t commit to or touch them any more than you know them. Yes, getting to know someone really well takes a lot of time and hard work. But it will be worth it.
References:
(1) Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. New York: McGraw Hill.
(2) Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Willoughby, B. J. (2010). Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal Of Family Psychology, 24(6), 766-774. doi:10.1037/a0021690
(3) Willoughby, B. J., Carroll, J. S., & Busby, D. M. (2012). The different effects of ‘living together’: Determining and comparing types of cohabiting couples. Journal Of Social And Personal Relationships, 29(3), 397-419. doi:10.1177/0265407511431184
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