As most people will tell you, parenting adult children is a whole different ballgame. The things that worked when you were parenting your young kids won’t work when they are adults.
To have a great relationship with your adult children:
- Relinquish the desire to control them and make their lives happy. It’s OKAY for them to struggle and have a hard time. Your children do not need to be happy all the time.
- Let them make their own choices without input from you. You can give your input only if they ask you for it.
- Be their biggest cheerleader and supporter. Praise them, compliment them, but don’t criticize them (even if you think the criticism is for their own good.)
- Learn from them! Learn how to do things differently. Have an open mind to their new ideas.
1. Relinquish the desire to control them and make their lives happy.
When they were little, you were able to control a lot about your kids: their environment, what they ate for dinner, and where they lived. Now you need to let go of that control. You will see your adult kids make mistakes. You will see them struggle. You will want to reach out and tell them all the things YOU know and all the things YOU learned that would prevent that struggle. But your kids aren’t you. They need to experience life for themselves. They want to learn things their own way.
Parents that keep trying to control their adult children end up with a really bad relationship with them. Either the adult child pulls away and doesn’t want to talk to them at all or the child doesn’t grow up and relies too heavily on their parent. So remember to relinquish the control. It’s okay for your adult children to make mistakes. Trust them and let go!
When you think your adult children are doing something wrong
If you want a bad relationship with your adult children, then you will tell them when they are doing something wrong. And if they don’t listen to you and follow your advice, then you will TELL THEM AGAIN. And again. And again. This is a sure way to have a terrible relationship with your adult children.
If you want a good relationship with your adult children, then you will trust that they will figure it out. You know that people make mistakes and that it is OKAY to make mistakes. You aren’t afraid of mistakes. You aren’t afraid of your grandchildren suffering because of your adult children’s mistakes because you know that life is suffering. Your children and grandchildren will be stronger because they went through hard things. So don’t start to panic when your adult children make mistakes.
2. Let them make their own choices without input from you.
In order to really be adults, your children need to stop coming to you for advice all the time and start making their own decisions without input from you. The only time you can give your input is if they ask for your opinion specifically. If they don’t ask for your opinion, then just keep quiet!
And don’t try to passively give advice through “hints”. Believe me, your adult children can see right through you. They know when you are trying to passive aggressively give them advice through hints. It won’t help your relationship.
3. Be their biggest cheerleader and supporter.
Praise them, compliment them, but don’t criticize them (even if you think the criticism is for their own good.) Use the principle of positive reinforcement with your adult children. You will compliment them on all the things you think they are doing right. And you will just ignore all the things you don’t like. That’s right. Just ignore it. Don’t bring it up.
4. Be open to learning from your children and changing.
If you want a good relationship with your adult children, be open to learning from them. Have an open mind to your children’s new ideas. Try new things. Be open to changing and doing things how the adult children want to do it. You might actually like it if you give it a try.
A lot of old people get stuck in their ways. They won’t try new things. They think different is evil. And when you think that all of the things your adult child likes are evil or bad, then of course it’s going to be hard to build a relationship on that. You will literally have nothing positive to talk about if you aren’t open to hearing their ideas without judgement.
When your adult children tell you about how you were a bad parent
As children become adults and especially as they start raising kids of their own, they start to look back on how they were raised. They might not like how you parented them. And they might tell you about these things.
If you want a good relationship with your adult children, try to be humble when they tell you the things they wish you had done differently. Try to validate their opinions. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but acknowledge how they might be feeling. Maybe you could even apologize for the mistakes you made. You might even try to change if it is something you could work on right now.
A parent child relationship is a delicate one because you were in a position of considerable power when they were younger. And now you are navigating a shift of the power dynamics. So be kind and humble as you go through this shift with your kids.
If you want a bad relationship with your adult children, then when they tell you that you were a bad parent, you will get mad at them. You will defend yourself and insist that you did everything right. You will not apologize for anything. This is a sure way to have a really bad relationship with your adult kids.
When you go on vacation with your adult children and their families
If you want a bad relationship with your adult children, then make sure that you don’t listen to any of their opinions about the vacation – like where they want to go, what housing accommodations they prefer, etc. Make sure that you make ALL the decisions. Because that’s what you did when they were little right? So the same rule should still apply. You should make all the decisions because you are smarter than your adult children.
If you want a good relationship with your adult children, then the vacation is going to take a little more work and planning. You need to ask them about what they want and then you need to try and compromise with all of the different opinions that are given. You might need to put your adult children’s needs ABOVE your own needs. You need to be open to trying new things and being outside of your comfort zone.
Conclusion
What worked for your kids when they were young will not work for them when they are adults. You need to adapt the way you think about your kids and the way you treat them. Follow these tips and you will have an amazing relationship with your adult children.
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