Today’s tip about dating is to be SUPER HONEST and open. This runs against the common practices of dating where one doesn’t say what one means, you try to hint rather than talk openly, and we end up playing games and getting really confused!
“We believe in being honest”…except in dating
Why do we play these games? Especially for people that are generally honest and moral in other areas of their life, why do we profess that “we believe in being honest…” (Article of Faith 13) but then we often do exactly the opposite when dating? Dating is exactly when we need to be the most honest! Otherwise you might end up marrying a lie. Honest self disclosure is related to martial satisfaction (1).
In all reality, it probably isn’t our fault. We’ve been taught to play the tricks and the games by the media and those around us. I mean, if people in the movies had honest and healthy communication skills, then most of your exciting plots would be gone! Hollywood movies thrive off of CONFUSION. But your life doesn’t have to be the same!
So, what should you do?
Be SUPER honest and open when you are going on dates. If you don’t want to go on a second or third date, then just tell them the truth! It is the kindest way to be. Guys and girls do NOT want to hear all of your pretend excuses. Just be brave and tell them “I don’t want to go out with you” or “I am not interested in dating you”. It may be harsh, but the recipients will THANK YOU in the long run.
Plus, if everyone understands what marriage is REALLY like (see the 1st step of dating), then rejection is viewed in a whole different light. Rejection isn’t bad. Rejection is refreshing because you know you can cross that person off your list and get on to finding the 2.5% of people that would be good for you. You don’t need to worry about WHY someone is rejecting you, because everyone is different. You want someone who likes you a lot and who will be committed to you. The worse thing EVER is to be married to someone who doesn’t like you or regrets that they married you. So be happy for the rejection!
How do I know if this person would like to go out with me again?
I’ve heard this question a lot. Yes, you can try to read their body language and subtle cues, but the safest way is to just ASK THEM that very question! Now, since people have been primed to lie in order to avoid awkward situations, you should probably ask them like this:
“Hey, would you be interested in going out with me again? If not, that is totally okay. Please just be honest with me and tell me.” You absolutely need to add those last two sentences in order to coax the truth out of some people.
If you don’t have honesty, you don’t have a relationship
Honesty is a key component of a healthy relationship. As one African American girl in a research interview put it: “If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, then there is no relationship” (Denham, Howard, and Garza, 2014) (2). If you want honesty in your marriage, you had better have honesty in your dating relationships.
Besides, what will happen if you aren’t honest in dating? What happens if you don’t tell your partner exactly how you feel about all subjects because of fear? Then you will marry someone who will eventually find out that you lied about your feelings. You will marry someone that will not be a good fit for you. Because you weren’t SUPER honest.
Balance
Now, there does need to be a little bit of a balance here. Should you tell someone your entire life story with gory details on a first date in the name of honesty? No. Always being honest with people doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything right away. Be honest with how you feel about people in the beginning stages of dating. But wait until you are developing a serious relationship with someone to tell them everything about you.
But what if you don’t know how you feel about them or the relationship?! That is entirely normal. Just tell them you’re not sure yet, so let’s keep getting to know each other!
A Few Examples
One time, a friend of mine asked me to be his girlfriend after we had went on only two dates. I was so surprised by his question and I didn’t know what to say. He had come over to my house and asked to “go on a walk”. For some reason, I knew that meant “I want to talk to you about our relationship”. I remember putting on my coat and walking out the door with him while furiously scanning my brain for the answers to these questions: Yes or no? Did I want to date him? I wasn’t sure yet. I hadn’t had time to think about it. So when he asked me if I wanted to date more seriously, I just said “no”, and that was the end of it. If I had been honest (and wiser), I would have expressed my surprise and told him that I needed more time to get to know him in order to make that decision. The good part about this story is that this guy went on to marry one of my best friends and they are very happy together.
Five years later and after obtaining more relationship experience, I had finally learned to be more honest. So when I went on a second date with my husband, and things didn’t go super well, he might have assumed things were done between us. However, because I was very open and honest about my feelings, he knew that I actually did want to go on more dates and keep getting to know him.
Conclusion
So be honest in your dating. Be glad when you get rejected. Rejection just brings you one step closer to finding someone who is a good fit for you.
Exercise Questions:
1. Are you being honest and open in your dating? In your friendships?
2. Do you tell people how you really feel about a topic or do you just agree with their opinion to avoid an awkward situation?
References:
(1) Dickson-Markman, F. (1984). How important is self disclosure in marriage? Communication Research Reports, 1(1), 7-14.
(2) Debnam, K.J., Howard, D.E. & Garza, M.A. (2014) If you don’t have honesty, then there is no relationship: African American girls’ characterizations of healthy dating relationships, A qualitative study. The Journal of Primary Prevention (6) 35: 397-407. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10935-014-0362-3
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