Finding Answers to Complex Questions in Relationships

Relationships, especially close familial relationships or relationships with friends or work colleagues, can often bring up very complex issues. And when you look to therapists, books, blogs, or other sources, you get a variety of answers. Sometimes these experts’ opinions contradict each other. You might ask friends and family members and they all have different opinions. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Do your research

For me, when I don’t know what to do, I start researching all about the situation. I look online, I ask different people; I take in as much input as possible. Sometimes taking in all the information in the world can be overwhelming. A lot of the advice about certain topics conflicts and opposes each other. So doing research can make you feel even more confused. But it is an important step so that you know what all is out there on the subject.

Trust your intuition

Once you have taken in as much information as you can, then it’s your time to look at everything you have learned. Which theories seem best to you? Remember that even research studies can be biased, people’s memories can be grossly inaccurate, and even experts can be wrong. Ultimately, YOU decide what is best for you and your situation.

Take a look at all the research you have gathered and trust that your inner guide or your intuition will let you know what is best for you. And maybe you will have to try multiple things to find what is best for you in your relationship problem.

Prayer and Revelation

For those people who are religious, this process of trusting your intuition can also look like praying and asking God for direction.

Examples

I’ve been dealing with a lot of complex issues around my special needs son for a long time. Sometimes the Speech Therapist and the ABA therapist tell me to do different, opposing things. Sometimes what the Occupational Therapist tells me and what my neighbors and family members tell me all collide in my head to create utter confusion. And sometimes I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing works. I have struggled to figure out what I should do with a lot of these issues. These issues often weigh me down. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I start worrying about these unresolved issues. They definitely disturb my peace.

Recently, an older friend told me about the book “Change your Questions, Change your life” by Wendy Watson Nelson. In that book on pg. 133-152, it talked about taking your questions to God in prayer and then searching the scriptures. It suggests that you can write down your question, pray for help, and then open up the scriptures and God will speak to you through the scriptures. I have tried this and have been amazed at the results.

One of my big questions was how to get my special needs son to try new foods. My occupational therapist told me to just play with food, expose him to food, but do NOT try to bribe him or say “If you eat this, I will give you a cookie.” I have tried this therapist’s methods for 2 years with little success. My ABA therapist says that I should should use bribes (or positive consequences) to help my child try new things. Who could be right? I have battled with my son about food for years and nothing has helped. I felt a lot of guilt around food and confusion around what to do. So I finally wrote down this question and prayed for help. I prayed a simple prayer: “Please help me to find the answer to this question in the scriptures.” Then I sat and thought for a moment. I had the thought to turn to the Old Testament. So I opened it up randomly and found myself in Job. In Job 18, one particular line stood out to me as my answer. And then I kept reading and found myself surprised by all the other verses in Job 19 that related perfectly to me and my circumstances. I was taught what to do for my specific problem, but I was also comforted and taught many others things that I hadn’t necessarily asked about, but that God knew was bothering me.

In the coming weeks, I continued to ask questions. And I found answers all throughout the scriptures – in the Old and New Testaments, in the Book of Mormon, and in the Doctrine and Covenants (see churchofjesuschrist.org for more information on these books of scripture).

I found answers to my question of “Did I do anything to cause my son’s autism” in Matthew 13. I found answers to “How do I improve my relationship with my son?” in 3 Nephi 27. I found an answer to “Which school should we send my son to?” in Philippians 2. I found an answer to “How can I stop getting so mad so often at my family?” in 2 Kings 13-14. And I found an answer to “What is the purpose of my son’s life?” in Alma 7 (The Book of Mormon). With all of these questions, I just felt prompted to open to that part of the scriptures after I prayed about each specific question.

For me, as I read the pages wherever I have opened up to, the Lord highlights certain passages or phrases or words. They stick out to me, almost like they are jumping off the page. I write them down with the reference and whatever thoughts I have about it.

Pattern for Receiving Revelation from the Scriptures (after you have done tons of research online and still don’t know what to do):

1. write down a question
2. pray and ask the Lord to answer this question with the scriptures
3. open up the scriptures wherever it feels right (sometimes you will think of specific chapters you should go to, other times you might open them up randomly to see what you find).
4. read and write down what parts stand out to you as your answer
5. thank God for the answer

Wendy Watson Nelson explains that when you receive answers this way, the scriptures will become “your personal answer books”. This is truly how I feel about them. They have given me so much insight into what I need to do. The scriptures are precious to me now. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want to stop reading.

Sometimes I now find myself turning off the music or the podcasts during my daily commutes and just pondering on what the Lord has taught me through the scriptures. I like to think about the specific passages that He has opened up to me and given me as answers to my problems. It is so comforting to know that He cares about me enough to help me with these problems. I know that He will do the same for you if you try it.

An Experiment

Wendy Watson Nelson recommends doing an experiment where you take one question to the scriptures every day for 30 days. It can be different questions everyday or it could be one question for several days. She says to ask yourself this question each day:

“What is the one question I most need to have answered today – the question that is burning in my heart and mind, burdening me – the question that is troubling my life?”

I love this experiment. Miraculous things can happen if you try it.

The Results

I have felt so much happier lately. I am much more peaceful because I don’t have these hard questions lingering in my head. And I am more peaceful because I know that I can trust my Lord to guide me with whatever comes up in my life.

I don’t often write religious posts, but I truly believe that truth can come from both places: science and God. I think that if it really is truth, then you will find it in both places. Anyway, I just wanted to share that when you can’t find a good answer anywhere and you are REALLY really confused, there is another place that you can look: the scriptures.