Thoughts on Friendship

One of the questions I have been pondering lately is: how do I enjoy my friends if I don’t relate to them at all? I have a lot of friends that don’t really understand what it is like to have an autistic nonverbal child. Sometimes I find myself avoiding these friends just because I don’t really relate to them (and their normal kids never want to have play dates with my nonspeaking son anyway.) I suppose I avoid them because I don’t relate to them, because they never invite us over, and because I am often jealous of their life with no autism. I don’t really like how I show up around people when I am thinking these things though, so I am going to dig a little deeper and see what is going on for me and how I might be able to change it.

Digging deeper into my thoughts and behavior

Recently, I went to a child’s birthday party in our neighborhood. A lot of different thoughts came up for me while I was there. Some of these thoughts were: “I wish I had normal kids like you…” or “You have no idea how much worse things could be…(when the moms start complaining about typical kid stuff). These thoughts usually create the feelings of jealousy, anger, and dislike – not feelings that I want to be having around people. So what can I do to change these?

1. I suppose I could get to know people better and see that everyone is suffering in some way. But people are so good at hiding it and pretending like their life is perfect!
2. I could look around and see if anyone is lonely. I could try to focus my attention and loving-compassion on the people that look like they truly need friends.
3. I could talk with people with the intention to validate them and listen to them and really help them feel heard.

Can you have friends that never invite you to do stuff?

Another question I have is whether to consider these people my friends or not? If they never invite you over to do things, would you consider them your friend? Maybe they are more of an acquaintance at that point.

The dictionary says that a friend is: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. A bond of mutual affection? What does that mean? It sounds like you both like each other and do things together.

Ultimately it is my choice

I’ve decided that ultimately it is my choice. Who do I want to be my friend? Who do I want to spend time with? Who do I not want to spend time with? I like having the agency to decide who I associate with and who I tell my secrets to.

What friends do I want to have?

I can have friends for different things. I don’t have to have one person that fills all of my desired categories as a friend. In fact, it would be impossible for one person to fill all the buckets of my desires for a friend.

These are the things that I want in some friends right now:

1. A friend that understands what it is like to have an autistic nonverbal child.
2. A friend that understands what it is like to be on the outskirts of society (nobody thinks about you or cares about your needs and how they are different from the majority).
3. A friend that wants to hang out in the afternoon with our kids.
4. A friend (or multiple friends) that want to go out to dinner once a month.
5. A friend that understands what it is like to suffer and wants to talk about it.
6. A friend that understands Marriage and Family Therapy and Mental Health Counseling.
7. A friend that understands the life coaching world created by Brooke Castillo.
8. A friend who wants to talk about how hard it is to be married to our respective spouses.
9. A friend who asks to take my nonverbal son so that my husband and I can go on a date every once in awhile.

Current Thoughts

So I wrote the above post several years ago and never published it. Now that I’m looking back on it, it is fun to see how far I have come. I have found friends that fit several of the categories above. And the desired friendship categories have changed – I don’t want the same things anymore. And I am also much better at not being jealous of parents with normal kids at group gatherings. I think I am learning to accept my son’s condition and grieve the loss I have experienced. And I am finding several people whom I consider to be true friends.