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Unreconcilable Differences

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Have you ever noticed that a lot of celebrities get divorced because of “unreconcilable differences”. What exactly does that mean? And how do you avoid them in your own marriage?

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Unreconcilable differences are differences that people think can’t be solved. Dr. John Gottman calls them “unsolvable problems” and he says that they are really normal – even for healthy and happy marriages! He says that everyone has unsolvable problems in their marriages. These problems usually arise from core values or core personality traits that are in opposition to each other. Neither partner wants to change because if they changed some of their core beliefs, they wouldn’t feel like themselves anymore. It would feel like a betrayal of who they are.

Dr. John Gottman says that unsolvable problems aren’t bad for your marriage – it just depends on how you deal with these problems. If you make the problems a big issue and get angry with each other frequently over these differences, then these problems become a source of pain and disconnection for the couple. But if you accept that you think differently about these issues and laugh about your differences, then these unsolvable problems won’t affect your marriage happiness at all.

The key is to accept that you won’t think the same way about everything. Rejoice in the fact that your partner has a different personality than you have! And get good at compromising.

Overcoming Gridlock

Unsolvable problems become gridlocked when the two people are so angry at each other that neither will budge. You are stuck. Every time the issue comes up, you immediately become super angry and think about all the other times that the person has been unreasonable about this issue. 

Remember that gridlock happens because two people’s cherished dreams or core values seem to be in conflict with each other. The key to overcoming gridlock is to find a way to respect each person’s dreams. The first thing to do when trying to solve a gridlocked problem is to have each person talk about WHY it is so important to them. If it is too emotional for a face to face conversation, maybe writing out the explanation is a good idea. As you listen to your spouse explain their side, try to listen for the hidden dream in the explanation. What does that person want more than anything? (Maybe they want to feel loved, to feel secure, to feel free enough to travel and be spontaneous, etc.)

Once you have listened thoroughly to WHY this view/core value is important to them and figured out what their hidden dream is behind the problem, follow these steps: 

  1. Each person defines the minimal core areas that they cannot yield on. 
  2. Each person defines their areas of flexibility
  3. Together they devise a temporary compromise that honors both of their dreams. 

You’ll know you are making progress on your gridlocked problems when they feel less heated to you. When the next time it comes up, you don’t get super upset, but are able to be humorous about it. When you are able to laugh at your problems and accept your spouse for who they uniquely are, then the unsolvable problem is “solved”. It’s solved in the way that it doesn’t threaten your relationship anymore.

Examples:

Let’s say Tyler and Kayla have a conflict about money. Tyler wants to feel free with his spending and Kayla wants them to save for the future. As they discuss this problem repeatedly, they both start getting frustrated and dig in their heels about how their side is right. As the problem comes up again and again, they start throwing out insults and despising each other for the way they use money. It gets to the point where they avoid discussing money at all. This is a gridlocked problem.

To loosen the gridlock and “solve” this problem, Tyler and Kayla could take turns talking about WHY they both want to spend money the way they do. Perhaps Tyler discovers that one of his core values is freedom. He really wants to feel free enough to spend money on whatever he wants without asking Kayla all the time. While Kayla listens to this, she doesn’t fight with him or try to defend her position. She simply listens to understand Tyler better.

When it is Kayla’s turn to talk, she explains that she wants to save money and live by a budget so that they can reach their financial goals. But as she is talking, she realizes that maybe it goes a little deeper than this. Maybe she really wants to feel safe and taken care of. She explains that when Tyler spends a lot of money without talking to her, she feels a lot of fear. She is afraid for their future and afraid of not having what they need. Tyler listens to her and discovers that feeling safe is really important to her. Feeling safe and taken care of is a hidden dream of Kayla’s.

Next, Tyler and Kayla talk about their minimal core areas where they cannot yield and their areas of flexibility. Tyler says that he wants a certain amount each month where he can feel free to spend that money without resentment from Kayla. And Kayla wants a certain amount a month that she can put into a separate savings account for their savings and future goals. They decide on these certain amounts and make a temporary compromise. They plan to revisit this decision in a month to see if it is working for them.

Tyler and Kayla learn that it’s totally possible to honor each person’s core values, both respecting the desire to be free and the desire to be safe and secure. They first had to stop resenting each other for being different. They then had to respect each other’s views, talk about their core values and dreams, and see how they could honor both of their dreams.

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