How to be happy for other people instead of jealous

Perhaps you can relate. It’s the one thing you are really sad about and you start seeing it everywhere. Like if you’re struggling with infertility then it seems like ALL your friends are having babies. And while you try to be happy for them, inside you really hate them. You hate that they have been given the one thing you desire more than anything else. And you hate how they take it for granted and don’t understand how fortunate they are!

Now, I’ve never struggled with infertility, but my sorrows mirror the above scenario. I have a severely disabled child. His disability affects numerous aspects of my life. It prevents us from having any more kids. It prevents us from going on vacations and visiting relatives. It prevents us from going to restaurants and parties and being invited over to other people’s houses. It prevents us from doing a ton of things that “normal” families can do without thinking.

This inability to do a lot of normal things and live a normal life has often triggered jealousy in me. So how do you be happy for other people and not jealous? Here are a few things that have helped me:

1. Find another way to fill that void for you
2. Realize that happiness comes from your thoughts so choose your thoughts carefully
3. Don’t forget to grieve and allow all the negative emotion

Find another way to fill the void

So let’s go back to the infertility example. You are jealous because your friends can have children and you cannot. If you got pregnant today and knew that it wouldn’t end in miscarriage but that you would finally have a child, what would you be thinking? Maybe something like “Finally! We are going to have kids!”

But let’s look a little deeper. WHY do you want to have kids? What would having kids do for you? Maybe having kids would make you feel useful. Is there any way you can feel useful right now without having kids?

Maybe having kids would make you feel happy. So is there any way you can feel happy right now without having kids? Is there any other way to fill the void in your heart?

For me, when I look at other people with their kids that talk and aren’t disabled, I think “Oh life would be so much easier if my child could talk.” So…is there any way that I can make my life easier even if I can’t change my child and make him talk? Could I hire more help? Could I ask for more support? And what if life being hard and not easy is actually a good thing? What if I’m becoming more godlike because my life isn’t easy?

This is what I mean by trying to find something else to fill the void or learning to reframe your thoughts about the situation. If you can figure out how you would feel if you had what you wanted, then you can maybe get those same feelings through something else.

Realize that happiness comes from your thoughts

If you want to be happy instead of jealous when you see people with the things you desperately want, we need to take a closer look at your thoughts. What are you thinking in that moment that is causing you to feel jealousy?

When I feel jealous seeing other people with their normal kids that aren’t disabled and that can talk to them, I am usually thinking “Wow. Life would be so much easier if my child could talk!”

Then I feel sad. Then my mind usually goes to “They have NO idea how fortunate they are!” Then I feel mad.

But what are some other ways I could think about the situation? If I want to feel happy for the other person, what could I think to feel that?

Here is a thought model showing what we are trying to accomplish:

• Circumstance: I am around someone who has the exact thing that I desperately want.
• Thought: ?
• Feeling: happy
• Action: Smile around that person. Congratulate them on their success. Feel truly happy that they have what I want.
• Result: I feel happy for them.

So what thought could I think to achieve this feeling, action, and result in this situation?

Maybe I could think “Oh I’m so happy that they have that thing!” Problem is, I don’t believe that thought. I’m not happy for them. And if you don’t believe a thought then it’s not going to produce the desired emotion. So what is a believable thought that I could think?

As I am pondering this, I think it comes down to whether you truly love that other person or not. If you love them and truly care about their well being, then you will be happy that they have something wonderful in their life. If you don’t love them, then you become jealous. You care more about your happiness than about theirs. Hmm…interesting. So one believable thought that might work for me is “I love this person and I’m glad that they have this thing.”

Thoughts are unique. That thought above might not work for you as it works for me. You will have to play around with some thoughts until you find a thought that produces a feeling of happiness for you.

Don’t forget to grieve and allow the negative emotion

Now, I don’t want you to think that I want you to be happy all the time for all the people that have what you want. I think its good and healthy to feel sad – especially when what you want is a very important thing like having children or a healthy marriage.

So remember to feel the sadness. Don’t always try to push it away and focus on a happier thought. Sit with the sadness and grief and just feel it in your body. Breathe through the sadness. Think about how sadness feels in your body. Is it a pit in your stomach? Is it a tenseness in your throat? How does sadness feel to you? Close your eyes and just feel the sadness, breathing in and out during the process.

When you are done with feeling sad, then use the above tools to try and be happy for other people. Let me know how it goes for you or if you have any other tips on how not to be jealous!