The question, “How do I find the right one for me?”, and its sister question, “How do I know if I’ve found the right one for me?”, are the two questions I hear the most in dating.
However, before we dive into the concepts of finding the right one and evaluating if they are a good one for you, we need to explore the semantics of these questions and figure out if you are buying into the myths behind these phrases.
What do I mean? Well, if you are asking the question: “How do I find the right one for me?” does that mean that you believe there is only ONE right person for you? If you believe that there is only one right person for you, then you believe in soulmates. Soulmate thinking is to believe that there is one person that is meant for you. You also usually believe that the relationship will be easy with this one person because they are uniquely suited to you. According to research, 94% of the population believes in soulmates. (Whitehead & Popenoe, 2001) (1). Brad Wilcox and Jeff Dew have found that those who embrace a soulmate model have higher conflict levels and greater chances of divorce than those who hold a more institutional view of marriage (2).
The Harm of Soulmate Thinking
But why is believing in soulmates so BAD???? Well, here are a few reasons:
1. Soulmate thinking can rush dating. If you think that the person is “the one”, then you don’t need to take time to get to know them. You can get married right away! That can be quite risky. Yes, I know some people have gotten married weeks after meeting and they are still happily married…but I tend to think of this as playing a risky game of flip the coin and they happened to get the happy side. Sure, any two good people can make a marriage work when they strive to serve the other person. But it’s best to get to know your partner REALLY WELL and make sure you are okay with their weaknesses and irritating points before you decide to marry them.
2. Soulmate thinking can make you think that marriage is effortless and easy. If you marry someone and the first year is really hard, you might think…”I don’t think this person is my soulmate. I must have married the wrong person.” Then you might decide to get a divorce instead of actually WORKING on your relationship to improve it. I know that I have been guilty of this line of thinking. In our defense, it is hard not to let this thinking creep into your subconscious when you are enveloped in movies and swimming in a culture that portrays this line of thought.
3. Soulmate thinking takes the responsibility and agency away from you. YOU are the one making the decision. It is not God. It is not fate. Although God might give you a confirmation on a good choice or a warning on a bad choice, the ultimate choice is YOURS, not His. So if your parents failed you and didn’t teach you to make your own choices, now is the time.
4. Soulmate thinking can paralyze people. You never want to make a decision to get married because there are always more good options out there! Dr. Scott Stanley, renowned psychologist on commitment, says that if you are looking for your soulmate, you will be miserable. Why? Because you have to look at every person alive in order to find which one is best for you.
Along these lines, Brent Barlow, a former Marriage Prep teacher at BYU advises that if your prospective partner has 80% of what you are looking for, then be very happy and move forward with it! (as long as the 20% isn’t something too drastically important…).
So what now?
So if you don’t have a soulmate, what do you do?!?! Does it even matter who you marry? Why not just marry anyone? It might seem like there are only two options:
I think both extremes are faulty. It is wrong to think that there is just one person for you. And it is wrong to think that ANYONE will do well for you. Why?
Well, each of us comes from different backgrounds. Each of us has different likes and dislikes. So it makes sense that you would try to find someone who would fit well with you. It makes sense that some people would have similar goals and other people wouldn’t.
Statistically speaking, let’s say there are 1,000 eligible people in your area. Depending on how you get along with the average person, let’s say only 25 of these 1,000 would be a good fit for you. That is 2.5% of the eligible population. (That percentage could go up or down depending on your pickiness.) If you are looking for 2.5% of the population, I think you can still feel pretty special. You don’t want to marry just ANYONE. You want to marry A right one (3). There are a few right ones for you. You just have to find one of them!
So if we look back at our graph, we are looking for someone in the middle of these two extremes. We are looking for A right person for you, not THE right person! (Note: I was one of the pickiest girls I knew. I wanted some very specific things in a guy that were not common. But the more I got to know people in my later dating years, the more I realized that several people would have filled the qualifications. So, believe me, assigning 2.5% as a reasonable number of right people for you is quite conservative.)
But I am sure that God has someone special for me…
Here are a few more opinions from some prominent religious leaders on this subject:
Spencer W Kimball said: “Soulmates are fiction and illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
Pres. Boyd K. Packer said: ““I do not believe in predestined love…you must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soulmate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you.”
And Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: “I know this may be a disappointment for some of you, but I don’t believe there is only one right person for you. I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriet, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless, had she decided to marry someone else, I believe I would have met and fallen in love with someone else. I am eternally grateful that this didn’t happen, but I don’t believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers.”
Conclusion
For me, realizing that soulmates are fiction was very empowering. I didn’t need to find the one right person for me! I just needed to find a right one that would work well with me. It took away a lot of the pressure and anxiety. I hope it can do the same for you. Thus, the second key of Smart Dating is understanding that soulmates are fiction.
References
(1) Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2001). Who wants to marry a soul mate? New survey finding on young adults’ attitudes about love and marriage. New Brunswick, NJ: The National Marriage Project.
(2) Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2010). Is love a flimsy foundation? Soulmate versus institutional models of marriage. Social Science Research, 39 (5) 687-699. doi:10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.05.006
(3) The idea of “A right person” instead of “The right person” originally comes from Jason Carroll, a Marriage Prep teacher at BYU and author of Marriage Compass.
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