How do I have better relationships with my adult children?

When children get older, leave the home, and start having their own children, sometimes relationships with their parents can become strained. I have had many older adults ask: how can I improve my relationship with my adult children? For some of these people, their adult children don’t even want to talk with them anymore or allow them to see their grandchildren.

To improve your relationships with your adult children, you need to do a few things:

1. Realize that your role has changed
2. Let them make mistakes
3. Drop the judgement
4. Never criticize, only compliment
5. Pray for them

Realize that your role has changed

When your kids were young, your role was to provide for them, protect them, and teach them how to live in this world. You had a lot of power in the relationship. You could tell them what to do and set punishments or consequences for disobedience. That is all over now. You aren’t in a position of power anymore. Your role has changed to be more of a friend or cheerleader on the sidelines. A friend or a cheerleader doesn’t tell them what to do and give them punishments if they don’t follow your advice. A friend supports them. Cheers for them. Loves them. But no longer has any power over them.

Here is some good advice:

“My goal as a parent is for my children to no longer need me around but still very much want me around.”

anonymous

That is your goal here. They don’t need you. They don’t need your advice. They don’t need your guidance anymore. But they want to have you around because they like you. They want to have you around because you are a nice, kind person. So if your kids don’t really want you around, you might want to ask yourself (or ask them) why that is. And when they tell you why they don’t want you around, don’t get defensive. Just take their thoughts and think about how you can improve.

Let them make mistakes

I know you don’t want your adult children to suffer. You don’t want them to make any mistakes. And you definitely don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did. But guess what? People learn most by personal experience (aka mistakes). Mistakes are how we all learn. So let your adult children make mistakes. Even if their mistakes cause your precious grandchildren to suffer. Guess what? Suffering will be good for your grandchildren. It makes them strong.

Note: Of course in the above paragraph, I am talking about the normal mistakes that happen when being a parent. If you think your grandchildren are in serious danger, then definitely take the proper steps to protect them and obtain guardianship of them or whatever else is necessary.

Drop the judgement

One reason that your adult children might not like you is because you don’t trust them to raise your grandchildren well. You keep telling them exactly what to do and interfering with their parenting. You aren’t letting them be adults and make their own decisions. Even if you don’t say these things to them out loud, if you are thinking “If they just did this… things would be better for them” then your children can sense that you think they are doing things wrong.

Let me repeat that.

If you are thinking criticizing thoughts but you don’t say them out loud, your adult children can still sense your judgement of them.

Humans are experts at reading other humans. Your children can feel whether you approve of them or not. Your thoughts will show up in your actions and how you treat your adult children. If you don’t believe me, go to the “Self Coaching Model” article and read up on that. So in order to have a good relationship with your adult children, you need to let go of your judgement about whether they are doing things right or wrong. Instead, try to think: “They are doing things exactly right for them”.

But what if you are positive that your judgement is correct?

If that is the case, try on these alternative thoughts:

1. Maybe I am wrong about this.
2. Maybe the way my children are raising their kids is exactly right for them.
3. Maybe I don’t know the whole story.
4. I trust my children.

Try to give your children permission to be exactly who they want to be. Remember you can’t control your kids!!

You can’t control your kids. They will do whatever they want to do. You get to love them.

When you can drop your judgement of them (thinking that they should do things differently) and REALLY TRUELY believe that they are doing things exactly right for them, it will change how you show up around them. They will feel how you love them and accept them.

And guess what your adult kids want more than anything else? Your trust. They want you to trust them. You had your chance to raise them and tell them what to do. Now, it’s your turn to trust them. Your trust will feel SOO good to them, even if they are making a lot of mistakes.

Never criticize, only compliment

I know that you have been there. You’ve raised kids. You know what to do better than they do. But refrain from telling them what to do!! Don’t give them ANY suggestions. If you they come to you with a question, then yes, you can answer that, but DO NOT give unsolicited advice!!

I cannot emphasize this enough.

Do not give your adult kids unsolicited advice.

So if you don’t ever give them advice, what do you do? Start offering compliments and praise instead.

Look for anything that your adult children are doing well. And take note of it in your head. Compliment them out loud or on paper. Just make sure it is sincere!!! Your children will be able to see through you in a moment if you are trying to fake a compliment just to get them to like you.

Once you get really good at complimenting your kids and not giving them unsolicited advice, the funny thing is that they might actually ask for your advice in the future. If your adult kids feel so accepted and celebrated by you, it makes them feel safe enough to be vulnerable and ask for advice.

Pray for them

Finally, if you believe in God or a higher power, you can pray for your adult kids. Be very specific about all the things you want for your kids. And then listen to God. He will change and soften your heart. He will make you more patient, more kind, and more loving. He will turn you into the parent your adult kids need.

When you feel like you can’t do anything for your adult kids, you can always pray.