What if I don’t know what I am looking for in dating?

I have an idea of what I want in marriage. But would I really be happy with that sort of person?

Now as you start talking to lots of different people and getting to know them, you might wonder, how do I know what I’m looking for? How do I know what a right person for me even looks like?

This is a really good question. Sometimes the type of person we think we want isn’t really what we would want at all. Most people realize what kind of person they want to marry after they are married. Bummer.

So how do you know what you are looking for? Well, you need to get lots of experience with different kinds of people. (Now, I don’t mean you need to have sex with lots of people or cohabit with lots of different people – we will discuss these topics later). You just need to discover how your personality interacts with other personalities.

Now, usually people first judge a person based on their attractiveness (1), but try to get past that and really get to know the person before you decide.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What kind of people do I enjoy being around? Do I enjoy being around those that talk a lot or those that are more reserved? What subjects do I enjoy talking about? Which subjects do I not enjoy talking about?
• Which roommates have I gotten along well with? What were their personalities like? Which roommates have I clashed with? What were their personalities like?
• What kind of people intimidate me? Why do they intimidate me?
• What kind of people make me feel great about myself?
• What kind of people can I be honest with? What kind of people make me feel that I can openly share my feelings?
• What kind of people make me feel nervous or scared?
• What kind of people inspire me and encourage me to develop myself?
• What kind of people bring me down?

In order to answer these questions, you need experience. Again the answer is talking to lots of people and getting to know them! I believe the key to getting to know who you are and who you would want to marry is a combination of interacting with other people and having alone time with yourself.

I also recommend that if you don’t know what you are looking for, start by seeing a therapist or counselor! A therapist can help you process your past and your family of origin. They can help you get rid of any baggage from your family or past relationships. Seeing a therapist can help you be READY to find love and help you make a better decision on who to love.

References

(1) Fletcher, G., Kerr, P. , et al. (2016). Predicting Romantic Interest and Decisions in the very early stages of mate selection: standards, accuracy, and sex differences. Personal and Social Psychology Bulletin 40 (4) 540-550.